How to Die Free
“A BRIEF FANTASY OF ‘FREE’ ” (yeah, I’m totally copying Hawking, and yer point is?)
My calling in life is to let everyone know when things do not exist… WHY? That is my job. I am the philosophy person around here. I happen to know when things “aren’t” vs. when they are. I give you, the word “free”. Exactly.
In the beginning: NO IT ISN’T, I ASSURE YOU. This word, were I Queen of all existence (ooooo wouldn’t THAT be fun) would go “poof”. This is because it is placed in front of nouns to suggest they will cost you nothing. Things like, CELL PHONE, LAPTOP, and that kind of nonsense. I can assure you, they are not either free. There are no “free live pictures” (I saw that one advertised the other day). I object to this on the grounds there is no such thing as a “live” picture. WTF are the rest of our pictures? DEAD pictures? Well, I’m sure as hell not gonna trust ’em on the free thing.
There is no “free membership”. NO. The free thing, is the gas it costs to drive to be terrorized into joining something. Costs are high, trust me. There are no ideal little things that say “models wanted” that you will either get paid to do, or your dad will be proud you did. In fact, if anything really is free, ya oughta be scared of it. I think we should all be a little nervous they don’t have pay toilets. Since “free” doesn’t exist, um, WTF are we giving them???? Nothing is “new” and improved, or “free extra 20% product in bag!” Nu uh. IF you see the exact same thing over and over with a few changes? It’s still…the same thing…
OLD LADIES AT SAMS With Food Samples: Possibly our nation’s #1 (ok, maybe like 22nd, but that’s high enough) cause of HEART FAILURE
Ah, the “free samples” at places like Sam’s where they have a little table set up with some nice little old lady? (ALWAYS a little old lady, ever notice that? Never a buff jock or sexy girl unless they are promoting suntan lotion. We certainly do NOT want them to get these things confused.) Well, the free samples of shrimp or chicken at Sam’s are not in the least bit free. Let me tell you what you’re in denial about. When ever you go and get one of the little old lady’s samples, what does she do? She tells you about what it is and where to BUY it. I don’t care who you are, you get one. You feel that little qualm of “icky” cause you know full well, y’aint buying that crap, ya had the munchies. In fact, you knew it in advance, making it premeditated. This makes YOU a total old lady hating, shrimp stealing hack. However, you do strangely find a need to PRETEND you MIGHT buy it. This is done by examining the package with blurry “I could not give less than a shit” eyes, or, as I do…wandering by that section of the freezer compartment and looking at it for a second.
Here they are:
THE LITTLE OLD LADY AS KILLER:
What does all this cost? Ahh…you see, it’s really all about two things: the food that is going to clog your heart, and, the guilt which causes tiny “icky” twinges of real stress. Small though they are, most heart attacks are not brought upon by giant stressors like catching your best friend in bed with your best friend (ewww, awkward), but in a collection of tiny “icky” stress moments. They in turn, pile up an army against your heart, and before you know it, the little old lady has not only given you guilt ON PURPOSE, but she has, in fact, killed you. I have tried pursuing this issue with the prosecuting attorney’s office. I did get as far as “icky” before they hung up on me and blocked my number. Thus, the killer grannies are gonna pull it off. It is up to us to refuse the little hand out. Wait. That makes me feel guilty. Hmmm….buy it!!! AHA!!! Not free. You probably just paid 12 bucks for an an inch and a half piece of alleged chicken on a toothpick. (I really do think toothpicks may be free, but don’t quote me.) Watch out:
“Alleged” chicken:
Likely source:
EVEN DEATH ISN’T FREE: The horrific realization
Even MORE depressing? DEATH is not free. No. Not only do you actually PAY to die? You pay to have some big “scene” about it afterwards. (That’s called a “funeral”). If you die bungee jumping? Obviously you paid. If you die of a heart attack, God only KNOWS how many ding dongs you paid for that. If you die slowly, that’s even WORSE. Hospital bills. I think you can still crawl into the woods really sick and die free, or relatively…low cost. Free if you are never found. That’s no guarantee someone’s not gonna make a scene, I mean “funeral” about it. BUT, if you leave a note, before crawling into the woods, that says, “I’m going to travel the world. I hate you all”, that may work.
Okay, just so you know this is a “scene”
BEST BET INSTRUCTIONS ON DYING FREE:
The crawling into the woods sick to die free idea might have a snag or two. You will want to PICK your wooded area carefully. There are fines for littering our nation’s woodlands with your own dead body…or any candy wrappers or donut sacks you leave behind after your last supper. Also, you need to make sure that whoever owns the land you crawl onto to die, isn’t upset, cause they can probably sue you to death if you are still clinging to life.
I think, however, the greatest risk, is actually from so-called “good Samaritans” (do-gooders-nosey folks) wandering in and saving your ass against your will. (Not a concern in your major metropolitan areas.) Of course when they realize you WANTED to die there, you will get the cost of psychiatric hospitalization. Never mind the fact you had a fatal illness and that’s why you crawled in there. You will now die on a PSYCH WARD. Didn’t you realize you can’t even DIE alone???? Or is that just mothers? Picture of actual person caught right outside wooded area trying to die free:
Humiliating, most expensive:
Make the best of it:
To die properly for free, you must make sure there is no “path”. Only a dumb dying person would follow a “path ” to death. No no no no. THAT comes after you die. You’re getting this confused with the ” long dark tunnel with a light at the end of it” path. There shouldn’t be a path to dying in the woods. Definitely look for signs of other dead things in “disarray” (I’m not sure how else to put that)
Not this path:
Avoid paths, actually:
This means creatures may eat you in time for you to escape premature, unwilling rescue, and psychiatric hospitalization, or, fines. Of course it will be problematic as to when they decide to dine on you. This could be very painful if they do not begin at EXACTLY the moment you fall over dead.
Aim for this:
Not this:
Also, be sure your stupid note doesn’t sound like some theatrical delusion. This a risky gamble between leaving your family behind great wealth or further costs. You MIGHT be on “Unsolved Mysteries” if your note is, well, just that ridiculous (OF COURSE I’ll help you write it). This could make your case as famous as some of the most famous of all dead people, who-done-it, how-the-hell’d-that-happen (yours will be the second one) case. If you YOU write your own book…you are SURE to get paid (Your estate. You DO have an estate, don’t you? Well get one. SEE I told you nothing was free).
Mega Cheddar:
Go For It
DYING “ABOUT TO BE WEALTHY”, THE BEST REVENGE:
While dead, this will be one last “HA, TAKE THAT!” in society’s face, or in the face of your ex who is getting NOTHING in your will. Of COURSE this means you have to write the book now. (WHO asked that? Come on…raise yer hand…I know yer out there)
I can see my book forming now:
“How to Die Free and Get Paid For It”
Wow. That’s ingenious. Incredible. Inarguable. Well it’s “in-” something. DON”T SAY IT.
Carry on, now,
Ally