On Being Canada

We are a bitchy nation. We are stubborn and choose “loyalty” over truth itself. We must fix our divisiveness by-

Denying we are us.

Nobody is without complaints here. There’s really only one solution and it’s pretty obvious.

We will steal Canada.

Then no one can care because after all, it is Canada ( I mean we is Canada) How to accomplish this identity theft, you ask? Simple.

Start with the flags. Switch them.

All of them. If Canada asks, we will also say we are them, until they’re confused about who they are. If they argue?

repeatedly saying we are Canadians is key.

Try not to get caught during the switch. Possibly we will see how long it takes them to notice. And IF they think they can catch us? (absconding with the identity of an entire nation) HA! Who will they call?

The FBI?  It’s a crap shoot.

We will be slick, though. We will be too fast for them. In a brilliant fog of deliberate confusion, dressed cleverly in outfits with maple leaves on them, we will take the new (aka stolen) flags down before they (all of the Canadians) can catch us doing anything.  Note: Should you encounter a real live Canadian?

Look Canadian.

You can do it. Psych up for it by thinking of snow, Nickelback, and hockey. Maybe a moose. If they have one. I don’t keep up with the moose population. True. We have no available moose. No problem. We travel to the Canadian border and steal a moose.

Moose problem solved.

If we are ever questioned about our new identity, we will repeatedly sing “Oh, Canada”. In the American political tradition, it will be so if we say it’s so. And as a bonus we will have the moose.

If during our moose extraction, we are asked if we are in fact American, we can insist we are not with very convincing looks on our faces.

Voila.

Oh sure, of course, you’re worried among the many things we will do, is start a fight with the Canadians. That’s ridiculous. How can they start a fight with us while we are them?

After all, we will BE Canadian. What are they, masochists??? Besides, unlike this post, it is logical. Put simply: They can’t attack themselves or us while we are being them.

Let’s just see who’s confused now.
AO